12/3/20 / 10:22 PM<
CURRENTLY: looking at what i left here
its ridiculous what it takes to motivate me. ive gotten a new mousepad and now i want to sit at my pc and do stuff. weird how that goes. maybe ill add some actual updates.
im super out of the loop working on this, but hopefully itll come back to me.
like i said before, im pretty much on gaia now. my brain has a habit of hyperfocusing on something for a while and then dropping it to do something else, and this is no different. towns 3 is apparently supposed to be pretty cool, so im looking forward to seeing how that plays out.
as far as lifes gone, id say god is playing with me. something good happens, and then it all gets decimated by the next crisis. its irritating at best, unbearable at worst. im dealing. that med im not supposed to miss any doses on? well, theres been a turn of events leading my pharmacy to need justification from my doctor and insurance over its necessity. been about 3 weeks and no update. pretty scummy.
im alive. that probably counts for something. shrugs!!!
11/7/20 / 10:48 PM
really in character of me to say im going to be working on things and then disappear for weeks.
that said i havent even touched this site at all in that span i disappeared.
the combination of everything thats gone on the past few months, being taken off my meds pretty much entirely to help my blood and then never having a follow up.
ive really only had the energy for dicking around on gaia, so thats mostly what ive done. my avi is looking good at least, and ive made a considerable amount of platinum.
theres some relief in that bidens "won", but i know its going to be a very rocky and stressful exchange of power, and i have severe anxiety regarding that. i havent left my house hardly at all the past few months. i live in the country, and the roads both ways from my driveway are very literally marked with trump flags and signs and "trump country" banners for miles. it goes on for miles and miles. i cant leave my house without being reminded of what its like here. knowing my own parents are part of the cult bothers me to no end.
at the moment, im relatively okay, hence my updating. i simply dont have the capacity to do anything worthwhile for now, as far as the site goes. i have ideas for shrines to be added, but thats about it.
10/19/20 / 5:08 PM
got hit with a weird wave of motivation. id like to revamp the site, maybe... make it less boxed in??? more dynamic? its boring now... still need to make a button though... ill figure something out eventually.
10/17/20 / 4:06 PM
CURRENTLY: not dead!!!
i wish i had an update of substance worth posting, but unfortunately there just isnt one. nothing has really happened. im mostly just trying to coast until the election is over. the limbo is torturous.
i guess i started listening to a podcast??? i never liked podcasts, ive always thought of them being like... for mustache twirling hipsters or something, but this particular one is pretty good!!! the cast is great and actually funny, and the info they cover is pretty solid. ive gotten to where i dont leave my room without having earbuds in so no one starts anything with me, and going through all the episodes works pretty well for that.
i dont know. the state of politics and the country as a whole right now is disheartening. knowing my family doesnt care about how the politicians they worship will affect my life is... hurtful. you can show magats the most solid evidence that he doesnt give a shit or fuck about lgbt folk, nor does his administration (and especially the scotus nominee), they just shrug and say nothing will come of it or that economics and owning the libs is more important. it just hurts knowing your family are shitty like that. i wouldve preferred to have never known, as stupid as that is. but trumpism is loud and obnoxious, under the impression its a source of oppression... being an out-and-proud oppressor???
its just stressful. i want it to be over. im tired of waking up every day and having to skim social media to mark squares off on my "what rights am i about to lose today/how is the country crumbling now" bingo board. its exhausting.
i will never forgive my family for voting trump and allowing this all to happen. not now, and especially not if he gets reelected after all of the incriminating stuff thats come to light. the damage has already been done, and it can only get worse if allowed. i want it to be over. i want to be done. but i dont have hope.
9/27/20 / 6:35 PM
CURRENTLY: mourning the fact no one paid the tv bill and im going to miss 90 day fiance
checked my guestbook for the first time in a while... im so grateful for all the nice things people say. its pathetic, but honestly those small gestures make me want to keep trying. im really fucking appreciative.
i may change the "news" window to blinkies and shit instead... is news really necessary??? i dont update it nearly enough. surely big changes could be listed on the front page rather than following you around the site in the corner...
completely separate note: my body is falling apart. i cant tell if its from stress or what (lets be real, its probably a combination of the unbearable stress and also my negligence) but ive got sooo much shit going on. im damn near certain i have a cavity in every single one of my molars. every single one. it hurts to chew anything now. granola bars??? like the devil. the plaque buildup is actually so hard on my back teeth around the gumline that i cant scrape it off no matter how hard i try. i managed to get athletes foot(??? havent done shit. i dont leave the house. my best guess is the shoes???) and i think i have a cold sore coming on. other much more personal afflictions will not be named but im pretty much a walking health issue at the moment. everything has decided to go wrong at once and at the worst possible time.
honorable mention: our pharmacy has managed to fuck up my scripts again. it is seriously INCREDIBLE that these numbnuts have managed to stay in business so long. the only reason we stay is because my insurance favors them and makes shit cheaper. if i miss doses on this particular script, Bad Things Will Happen. Bad Things. Not Good Things. they have not given me the correct needles and syringes ONCE. theyve given me entire fucking paper bags full of one type. and then give me nothing else. on the occasion they DO give me both sizes??? the second gauge doesnt fit the lock on the syringe. rendering it useless. i have at least 50 unusable needles because of this. do they care??? of course not. why would they. theyre still getting our money regardless because american insurance is a sham.
9/23/20 / 3:50 PM
CURRENTLY: making lunch
been pretty shit lately. nothing good happens, and i hate just dumping negativity here. but oh well.
ive sort of lost interest in neocities. i dont have to motivation to learn to code better, and i find people younger than me doing amazing things with their sites, and it really discourages me.
my favorite rp site hit the shitter. now i have to resort to a different one that doesnt supply the same thing at all. i just got back into it too. pretty disappointed.
if trump wins, or even loses and the magats throw their fit and let him cheat himself into an illegit second term, i think i will genuinely consider suicide. the supreme court is being trampled. seems pretty goddamn bleak. im scared to die, but im more scared of being trapped in this country with the pandemic, my own financial failures, and right wingers making it a nightmare for everyone but themselves. getting to canada seems like a pipedream at this point.
9/18/20 / 5:52 PM
WOKE UP TODAY THINKING I WAS GOING TO DOWNLOAD MARIO 3D ALL STARS.
1. THE ESHOP CARDS I HAD DONT FUCKING WORK. DESPITE NEVER HAVING BEEN SCRATCHED OFF. (ALL THREE OF THEM, USELESS. TOTALING $60.)
2. I WOULDNT HAVE BEEN ABLE TO PURCHASE IT ANYWAY BECAUSE OF TAX.
i was so excited. i dont have any other means of buying it. i was relying 100% on the cards. i dont even have a bank account anymore because of not having any funds. its going to be gone by the time i have money.
unrelated, but one of the cats puked in my spot on the couch.
bad, horrible day. 0/5 hats. took a depression nap and now im up for good but im still upset.
9/15/20 / 7:01 PM
EVERYTHING CAME AND I AM PLEASED. the gauges look great (much smaller than i was expecting, but thats actutally good because theyre proportional to the thickness), my jeans came. havent tried them on or anything but im sure theyre fine since i measured myself and everything. i showered and did laundry, so i had nice jammies to throw on. favorite outfit.
ive been playing a lot of among us, and since ive gotten a lot more comfortable with my voice, i think im willing to branch out to calling during the games. typing is a pain, so itd be beneficial. its really fun, i recommend it!!!
overall today has been pretty good. see ya.
9/14/20 / 2:02 PM
NEW SHOES CAME TODAY MF!!! theyre used but god damn are they in good condition. got new gauges coming tomorrow, as well as some jeans (although i doubt the jeans are gonna look too good on me. i got probably the thickest hips and thighs on a guy ive ever seen. i practically live in basketball shorts for that reason). the gauges hopefully will look ok, but im only at a 10g so they might be a little wonky looking bc of their shape.
waiting on things to arrive gives me something to look forward to. so its nice. might even take some proper selfies when the whole shebang comes. hairs pretty fucked up though. still waiting on it to grow back out since my dumbass cut it all off. well see.
srta tired ofthe little hammock kitty and dragon in the corners. might just wipe them out.
9/11/20 / 8:58 AM
it sucks that the majority of the stuff i post on twitter or tumblr art-wise that gets popular is always jokey stuff. i scribbled a stupid comic and it got 60+ likes on twitter within like a day but when i actually try with stuff, i dont even pass 5. i mean im not arguing. i like the feedback and i also agree that im hilarious and my brain is really big and sexy. but like... i try hard on stuff and its passed right over. but i draw something about horse dicks and it gets circulated that quickly??? it can be frustrating.
im going to try to be more active, posting stuff. maybe thatll help my case.
on a completely unrelated note, im really fucking tired of hearing about politics. its exhausting and it does nothing but lower my will to live. knowing my parents are this fucking stupid is disheartening. trump could eat a live baby at the podium and theyd commend him on his bravery and how he just doesnt give a shit what people think. i dont have high hopes for the election, but it will be the first one im able to participate in and i absolutely will. even if the votes are being tampered with and itll likely be completely pointless. the only upside to living in a conservative area right now? the fact trump hasnt tampered with the ability to vote around here because he knows the general area will support him.
im not religious (seriously, if there was a god, hes allowing all this to happen. fuck him and ill fuck his son Jesus H Christ in the bathroom of the nearest gas station just to get at him. whos this ugly manlet my sons bringing home??? why its pv, dad, i love him and he dicked me SO GOOD in the village pantry restroom despite only having a full 1 inch of meat) but for lack of a better word, im praying that sentient piece of lard gets whats coming to him. that theres SOME degree of justice that gets thrown his way when this nightmare is over. again. very little hope. but the thought is there.
oh. and happy 9/11.
9/8/20 / 8:40 AM
CURRENTLY: havin breakfast
so there was a MASSIVE storm last night. i love storms, theyre my favorite. but not when its not light out and i cant see whats going on. given it was the worst around midnight-3am, i could not enjoy it because there was no sun. bummer. also super loud, not on that med anymore so i dont sleep through like anything anymore. so im a tired little fuck.
the gnat problem got better for a bit, but its about back at the point it was, except theyve migrated to the living room. you cant even have a drink beside you because they get in. im really fucking tired of it.
i showered this morning, and now im just hanging out. my plans are undecided. i got some clothes money, so i might look for some shirts. the pickings are slim unfortunately. i looked briefly yesterday and couldnt find shit. im also just picky.
9/7/20 / 4:35 AM
CURRENTLY: watching sinister and drawing
i REALLY need to make a sinister shrine. along with a 1408 shrine. i love both a lot. they feel really nice when i watch them. second favorites of putting thing on to listen to in the background while im doing things or going to sleep. (behind saw)
currently making a comic regarding gerbert being tested by john, since its revealed his drs last name is kramer. using bros muppet babies comic as inspo.
9/6/20 / 10:26 PM
CURRENTLY: watching ridiculousness and catching up on parp
woke up super late today. demolished all the progess i made the other day waking up at 8 am. figures. got some stuff done today desptie being mildly hung over.
really need to eat. at that spot again where like, my body obviously needs food but i stopped being hungry a while ago. doesnt help theres nothing to eat here. ill get to it.
9/5/20 / 10:20 PM
got whiskey and am watching gerbert. i hate this little fuck. hes a propaganda machine.
9/5/20 / 8:19 AM
CURRENTLY: eating chicken nuggets for breakfast because im 20 years old and dont know how to take care of myself
i didnt sleep for like 28 hours yesterday so i could sleep early last night and fix my sleep schedule. lo and behold, i think ive done it!!! im up at 8 am NATURALLY instead of going to bed at 8 am. congrats like im 5 plz. i didnt eat yesterday on accident so im having a shit ton of nuggets to make up for that.
ive noticed that my days tend to feel more like hours. they dont feel long and the week is usually over before i know it. i think its because i dont do anything memorable.
time to do the same thing all over again, just at an earlier time!!!
9/3/20 / 7:28 PM
theres absolutely no reason for me to be sleeping 15+ hours without the horse tranq. yet here we are.
i went to sleep at a reasonable time last night and STILL woke up at 5 PM. what the fuck.
on a separate note, im considering adding an email here or maybe a twitter for private contacting and shit... not super active on either though. shrugs. well see.
9/2/20 / 4:06 AM
CURRENTLY: recovering with my jelly arms
ill have you know i did THREE WHOLE MAN PUSHUPS. im trying to get into shape now that i know itll be easier for me to build muscle, so im basically starting from the bottom because my muscles are like... atrophied from depression hehehe. basically havent moved in like 2 years. pretty shit. cant do 3+ normal pushups, cant do a single pull up, cant jog for more than a half mile without dying. but im working on it.
will probably work on my oc site for now. or maybe draw. who knows.
8/31/20 / 9:30 PM
CURRENTLY: waitin on laundry
today wasnt so bad. mood was pretty good despite the world going to shit. that worry is always in the back of my mind but sometimes im capable of putting it on the backburner.
i got new body soap and some underwear, both severely needed. feels good to get new things. something in me just really enjoys getting new stuff???
i dont consider myself a shopaholic or whatever but buying new things??? one of the best medications. getting new stuff makes me feel sooo much better.
i suppose itd be more effective if i actually had money.
8/30/20 / 5:27 AM
CURRENTLY: working on an oc site and watching true crime docs
theres nothing i love more than being up at night, which is good, because i barely sleep anyway. but it so... peaceful. i work on personal projects more efficiently, its quiet, i can sit and enjoy the quiet. i feel most comfortable at night because of those things, but majorly because i feel like im temporarily free from obligation and responsibility. i dont feel as guilty about being such an utter waste of resources on my family, i dont feel as much guilt for being as behind as i am. i just feel content. no one is awake to nag me, no one is around for me to worry about inconveniencing, it feels almost like a suspension in time.
i made ramen, and now im going to buckle down and develop some sort of character directory because i finished the starting art of the first four characters.
8/29/20 / 9:55 PM
so many new followers!!! welcome everyone!!! =D!!! AND THANK YOU TO THE KIND PERSON in my guestbook!!!
im currently working on my ocs. ive had this little universe in my mind for a while and id like to develop it to the point of having something somewhat understandable to share!!! the only thing is that i cant draw them for shit (yeah, i cant draw my own characters) and i have no one to talk about them to to develop them!!! it sorta sucks. most of the people i talk to are too sensitive to the content so id like to spare them the trouble. i have intentions of making a page for like, a directory for them and their info, but thats been a massive pain in the ass too (why the fuck are decent looking tabs so difficult to achieve??? GUH!!!)
i have a monster and im watchin dr pol while i doodle. its pretty nice!!! im doing ok i think. (except for the fact someoen fuckin hacked my amazon and orderd a bunch of shit to my house. thanks dickweed.)
8/28/20 / 6:12 PM
CURRENTLY: watching the 2000 vmas
like clockwork, guess whos in a decent mood??? funny how that works.
i need to go back on that fucking antipsychotic. i am NOT going to survive like this. not as bad as it was back in march yet. but im getting there.
(for context, back in feb-march-april i stopped taking all my meds altogether because my parents made a point to express how much of a financial burden all my meds are on them. so i just stopped. i got a lot of shit done while iwas manic but BOY was i miserable.)
mtv is marathoning a bunch of old vmas, and thats pretty nice!!! its comforting. maybe ill work on the site or draw during. gotta enjoy the high swings.
id like to personalize a bit more. now that ive got the whole windows thing going, it looks good enough for me, but it isnt ME enough. i need some messiness. shitty graphics andstuff. need more. it IS a personal site.
8/27/20 / 8:52 PM
i have this compulsion to vent. to alleviate something, to make myself feel better and compensate for the lack of people that give a shit, but i dont know how. i have nothing of importance to say. i dont know how to get my points across. i can only reiterate how empty and bored and vacant i feel so many times.
if i had the ability to focus on something, to direct the little energy i have to something worthwhile, maybe i wouldnt be so miserable. but the fact of the matter is that i have no job, i have no way to leave the house, i have no friends, and i have no money. i have no will to do anything but sit and stare at something for 18 hours of the day and then go to bed, and wake up the next morning to do the same thing again.
ive lived the same day on repeat for two and a half years.
8/27/20 / 12:02 AM
ever since they took me off that med, the chronic emptiness and boredom has increased tenfold. i have no motivation to do anything. nothing keeps my interest. been stuck in this rut for years.
8/25/20 / 4:46 PM
woke up this morning to find hed finally passed. sometime through the night. im wondering if thats what i heard last night as i was trying to sleep. regardless hes finally out of his misery. and im beyond grateful for that. im sad hes gone but im even more distraught over what ive watched over the past week or so.
we went out back and buried him out where his brother and sister and her babies had been laid to rest. under the tree at the end of the property.
i showered today. i think thats all to report. thanks for reading.
8/24/20 / 4:30 PM
i dont think i will ever be able to keep rats again.
my last boy has gotten exponentially worse over the past few weeks. its so much worse than when his brother passed. when his brother passed, it was relatively peaceful. he lost the function of his back half, which of course isnt ideal, but all in all he passed away in his favorite vase pretty easily.
my last boy is so, so, so much worse. he lost funciton of his back half a while back so i modified the enclosure for them both, and i assumed hed be going soon after as rats tend to do. but he just keeps hanging on. i know hes miserable. he cant move anymore. he just lies in the same spot and twitches.
i just keep waiting, and im sure hes doing the same. i have no resources. im at a loss. i keep waiting and waiting and waiting and i assume today will be the day. surely he cant hold on any longer. and he does.
the weather is acting accordingly. steady downpour.
i love them but i just dont think i can go through this again. i dont deal well with animal death/harm as it is. this is too much.
8/18/20 / 7:11 PM
I AM 100% ENTIRELY CONVINCED GOD IS TARGETING ME SPECIFICALLY. ANYTHING I DO, SOMETHING HAPPENS. IT HAPPENS TOO OFTEN FOR IT TO BE A COINCIDENCE. I HAVE ANYTHING GOOD START FOR ME, LIFE KICKS ME IN THE BALLS AND I HAVE TO TAKE TWO STEPS BACK. I WISH HED STOP BEING A FUCKING COWARD AND CONFRONT ME DIRECTLY ISNTEAD OF TOYING WITH MY LIFE AND PLAYING STUPID GAMES. STUPID USELESS PUSSY BITCH.
8/16/20 / 5:00 PM
CURRENTLY: waiting on 90 day fiance
i showered for the first time in a while, im pretty clean. i found a bunch of new emotes, so now i got some range. im gonna edit my about page so its more... decorative. mbti type, zodiac, etc. got a follow up appointment tomorrow to rub salt in the "your blood isnt right for treatment" wound. cant wait for that. thatll be fantastic.
yeah. thats about it.
8/14/20 / 10:45 PM
as you can see, i redid the site overall. i found a screenshot i liked of the xp window style and edited it, resized it, etc. i figured out how to use them as frames, so here we are.
moods still pretty shit. likely will be until i get good news. also got taken off an important med to normalize my blood or whatever. well see how that goes. been in and out all day.
i think thats about it. not much else to report. ill probably be fiddling with the site some more to get it more personalized to my liking.
8/9/20 / 2:17 PM
i think i got everything site-wise good for now!!! i figured out how to use iframe, so hopefully that helps reserve space on the site!!! im pretty proud of myself. its a pretty novice job but i did it all from scratch, so thats a major step up from using the dreamweaver templates!!!
i havent eaten a full meal in a few days, i should probably do that... at some point i find i always end up not feeling hungry anymore??? i know its not good for me, but low energy combined with just not feeling hungry anymore makes it pretty hard to ass myself to fix something!!! i havent really had anything but a few chips a couple energy drinks, so my bodys pretty upset with me. i promise ill get to it, hehehe.
now that ive got something set up, i can focus on adding other unnecessary things. maybe a guestbook??? ill see!!! i doubt anyone will sign it, but i might just add one anyways.
theres a new 90 day fiance on tonight, so ill be be watching that... i think thats about it!!! seeya!!!
8/8/20 / 9:14 AM
CURRENTLY: dicking around with code and fiddling with things i shouldnt
i cant believe it. i actually got to go through with the appointment and got it done. im so fucking stoked. i have a followup appointment in a couple weeks and thatll be the start. my family isnt very supportive, but i cant do anything about that.
im thinking... im going to play with the site more. id like to make it more... efficient??? for lack of a better word. its pretty messy. expect lots of test updates. sorry!!!
i dont think theres really anything else to put for now... seeya!!!
8/2/20 / 4:13 AM
CURRENTLY: listening to creepypastas and drinking my rockstar
hello!!! its been a few days. ive been meaning to log in and update, but ive been so forgetful. and its funny, because i havent even been particularly busy. lets see... i had therapy, i drove a little more, ive played a ton of minecraft with my s/o because i FINALLY got online to work on my copy for switch. (its always disconnected me instantly from anything i join, im guessing the latest update fixed it??? who knows!!!) weve done lots, theyre so fun to play with. we ended up turning on cheats so we could teleport to each other, but im ok with that even though i like getting achievements. since we already did that, we opted for keep inventory too.
when i play minecraft in survival, i always make a small house on top and then dig a basement and expand that to hell. i feel like all the stone surrounding helps protect my chests and other valuables from creeper explosions (just make sure its not a slime chunk!!!)
what else... i got a few jack links slim jims, but they arent nearly as good as the original slim jims. which is disappointing, because i got 2. so now i have 2 nasty fake slim jims. i had a lot of confidence theyd be good because i like their beef jerky!!!
my bro pillow case arrived as well!!! i love him very much... its almost like the real thing again. i missed him. i know it wont be the same, but its something.
next week i have an appointment with a clinic ive been trying to get into for over a year, and im hoping against hope they dont reschedule me again. theyve dashed my hopes every time ive grown close to the appointment, calling to reschedule with no reason given. if they do, itll be closer to the appointment theyve ever done before. i think i will genuinely lose it. so heres to hoping. finally getting it done will literally change my life. i just hope they stop playing with me.
i think thats all for now... ill see you later. likely with news regarding the appointment (or lack of one.)
7/25/20 / 8:36 PM
CURRENTLY: waiting on the xbox to finish updating...
today wasnt horrible!!! i drove some (im still learning how to drive, dont laugh at me!!!) and i ended up getting sushi (philadelphia roll and rainbow roll), a rockstar, and some ice cream!!! im trying not to let the negatives get to me, but it can really be hard. good things happened today!!! i need to keep that in mind!!!
i think im gonna draw while i wait. i keep telling myself ill focus on finishing learning the basics (folds, backgrounds, anatomy) but i always just want to draw my stupid fanart!!! so maybe ill try to do that... im not super great at coloring either... or lineart... hm...
anyways!!! im going to go do that, or maybe toy around with my site a bit more!!! see you next time!!!
7/23/20 / 6:45 PM
CURRENTLY: watching gumball and drinking my monster
well... its official!!! im blogging on my very own website!!! ive been toying with the html for ages (sorry for everyone that sorts neocities by last updated!!! i learn by trial and error, hehehe...) and i think ive finally got it to a functional place... ill be playing wtih it probably forever, but thats ok. just the exerience is pretty cool. its given me something to focus my dumb brain on, and that in itself is great!!!
sooner or later ill add more decorative images and things like that... its looking pretty bare at the moment, but the past few days have been mostly focusing on just getting the fuckin code to work!!!
i think im done for now. until next time!!! thanks for reading!!!